Mar 30 2009
Yes. I Know Stuff About Cats. So Show Me The Money.
Well, today was one of those days. You know, the kind of day that makes you want to do things you could get arrested for? I managed to control myself, even while filling out an application for writing a regular column about cats.
OK. I love cats. Seriously, I do. I have two of them now, and one of my greatest ambitions is to end up in a decrepit old house FILLED with cats, so I can get on the evening news as the human interest story of the day. By that time, I will have no teeth and not a whole lot of brain cells left– but at least I’ll have all the cats that I want. Right now, my landlord will only let me have two. But they’re both well over fifteen pounds, so I guess that almost counts as three. Maybe two and a half?
So… back to this incredibly redundant application. I had to write –repeatedly, and in several different places on the application — why I am uniquely qualified for this column that probably six people will ever even bother to read. It was almost as if they were trying to catch me lying. You know, like “Ah-hah! You rotten poseur! You know nothing about cats! Admit it!“
Well, I stuck with the damn thing, and I even gave them a writing sample to prove I can actually put sentences together. Sentences about cats. For all six people who’ll end up needing my advice.
I suppose there are far worse things a person could do for money. Come to think of it, I have done worse things for money. (You all have very dirty minds. I’m actually talking about work that’s boring and/or pays badly.)
So… wish me luck. I have a feeling I’m going to need it.
Sorry, WC, but they weren’t looking for hamster advice. I would have been emailing you frantically if they were!
Time to feed the cats. At least they won’t make me write about them first.
- Follow the money or show me the money? Let’s do both.
- Show Me the Money
- 7. SHOW ME THE MAILBAG
- Freak Quincy and the Boy Band Craze
- I don’t really look at myself as the kind of person who craves attention, but I’ve never been to therapy so there’s probably a lot of stuff about myself that I don’t know.
*snickers* They really are rather … paranoid about your cat knowledge, weren’t they? *giggles*
Well, I hope you get the job, hon! *hugs*
I often give my ex advice about her cat. Mostly it consists of suggestions to throw the cat across the room when it gets annoying, which it always is. So the cat is constantly being thrown across the room. It’s still alive, so it’s not bad advice.
In other news, I just squeezed LD so hard I think his eyes were going to pop. But they didn’t. In my defense, he started it. He bit me after I cleaned up his shit-filled house.
Well… I’m not counting on anything, but I’m hoping it works out. Right now, I’m not really caring too much one way or the other… because I somehow caught the FLU.
And as soon as I finish writing this comment, I’m crawling back into my little cave of pain. Ordinarily, I’d write two individual comments, but just staying vertical at my keyboard is kind of hard.
Poor old LD! His social skills are sorely lacking, aren’t they?
When I’m feeling better, you can expect a delightful blog entry on how much it sucks to be sick. And how much fun it is to drag yourself out of bed BECAUSE THE CATS CAN’T FEED THEMSELVES.
Is this column advice about cats or advice for cats? Because if it’s the latter, that would be awesome: An advice column for cats.
“Dear Miss Pennyless,
I lives in Brokelyn with my mistress and her…companion. My dream is to live alone with my mistress. Unfortunately I cannot get rid of the big thing she sleeps with. The thing eats a lot and is always impinging upon our snuggle time. Must. Kill. Her. But how? Tried tripping her but she has big feet & always steps on me first. I even breathe in her face after eating a can of trout & licking my extremities but she is NOT fazed at all and just breathes back! Bitch111!!!! How, how can I kill her?”
Black Bastard from Brokelyn
Thanks for stopping by!
Keep those fingers crossed, or you might find yourself with an unexpected house guest.
Just kidding. It’s WAY too cold up there where you are for my thinned Southern blood!
Dear anonymoose:
Actually, it’s a column that’s supposed to be essentially funny stuff that happens to me, or to people that I know. I agree that a column with advice for cats would be awesome, but since I am not a cat, I don’t think I have the credentials or experience to write one.
As far as your problem goes, I can totally sympathize, but giving you any kind of practical hints for getting rid of your unwanted companion might land me in jail. And I really do not look good in jumpsuits.
Good luck with finding a solution to your problem… and if you find one, do let me know.
Sincerely,
Pennyless
I say ‘future cat ladies of America’ unite!!!
I couldn’t agree more. If we were running things, life would be a lot more pleasant… maybe a bit furrier, but a lot more pleasant.
Thanks for commenting!
Ah, pet “fanciers.” Awesome. Should I hope you get this job…?
For both Mira and stark:
This thing doesn’t feel like letting me post individual comments right now- and I may have to shut down my computer, since we are on the verge of one of our ‘only in Louisiana’ type thunderstorms, so…
Thanks for stopping by. Yes, I do hope they hire me, but since they aren’t looking for humorous cat advice, I’ll still be posting here as well.
(Wow, I’ll bet you’re REALLY relieved to hear that!)
Thanks for linking me, stark. You just never can tell…
Cats, I eat them for breakfast. We don’t need no stinkin’ felines. Dogs rule.
There’s no point in using that poor excuse for a phony name, missy!
I KNOW who you are…
Remember, there are an awful lot of people reading this who love their cats with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns!
Heh. Tastes like chicken, right?
*grin*
I hope you get the job. Even the cats would smile.
Who’s that agent provocateur in a cat-loving environment like this ?
I’d tell you, but she might hunt me down and eat ME for dinner!
Anyway… I THINK she’s just kidding.
*crosses fingers*